If someone rejects you, why do you want to keep trying with that person?

I, personally, would never try to chase someone that has explicitly said no to me. I dont understand why some people are so hell bent on it. It makes no sense.

I went to a guy’s house. I dont want to go into explicit detail about what it was that ultimately made me want to go into detail because I don’t need to dwell on the little things. Long story short, I’m with a guy, we make out, he wants to fuck, he wants to eat my hole, I say no. He keeps begging, pleading, I just want to make out and roll around, I don’t want to penetrate or be penetrated. I finally roll him off me and say I have to leave. He starts apologizing if it was what he said. I was like, lol no worries, I have to go. He’s just asking me if I’m serious. Im busy buttoning up my shirt and thinking about how I have to go back out to his living room and find wherever the fuck he threw my hat. And as I’m walking to the front door he comes out of the bedroom through the hall up to me. So I just lean into him give him a kiss and say bye. I walk to the front door, I turn around and as I’m about to close the door he said, “you know, funny thing about doors, sometimes when they close, they close for good.” I said “okay.” I closed his door turned around passed his plants and the hundreds of cigarette butts in an empty planter he uses as an ash tray? (Is it an ash tray if its the size of a large bowl and its filled with cigarette butts? Or is it just a cigarette trash bowl?) I walk down his front steps around his car and right before hopping into my truck I had to spit the taste out of my mouth. As I was driving away he sent me a message that said “you know blue balls are a real thing. That was really rude.” And I blocked the number and deleted the conversation.

I now have a new voice-mail from an unknown number and I really don’t want to check it, you know? If anyone ever was making out with me, and then said they had to leave. I would literally say, “if you want to go you can go.” And stop. Like I don’t understand wanting to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you. Its very confusing to me.

I think it has something to do with my fear of rejection. I’m so afraid of being rejected that I go for guys I know I’m not actually into. I go for guys that I know I’m a “catch” for. I dont like saying it but I definitely go for guys that are out of my league. Or I’m out of their league? I don’t know. I’m not the best looking guy on the planet. But I have had more than enough men women boys and girls tell me that I’m very good looking. So I go for guys that make me feel like they feel that they won a prize with me. I dont go for guys like me because they’re so used to getting what they want. Im terrified of being used, manipulated, gaslit. Good looking guys are the worst and the best and terrible and amazing.

I never string a guy along, which is probably why I never see a guy more than 2 times. I dont want to make him believe we could have a future. I dont want a guy to pay for things if I’m not genuinely into slurping on his meat. I genuinely enjoy giving head, but the last few times have all been horrendous for me, and its definitely related to the quality of meat I’ve been subjecting myself to.

I have to get high and forget about this. Bye.