Im grateful for the changes that have taken place in my life over the last year. Im grateful that I was able to break out of the permanent fog that was my depression and job and life in general.

Im grateful i found my job. Im grateful I work where I do. Im grateful for my boss, and my co-workers. Im grateful for the tasks that I have to do, and im grateful for the tasks that stress me out.

Im grateful I moved out of my parents house. I never felt so… correct. I had never felt so confident in a decision. I am grateful that I live where I live. Im grateful for the roommate that I have. Im grateful that he is also my landlord and just an overall amazing man. Im grateful for my home.

Im grateful that my relationship with my parents is improving. Im grateful that my dad is more open about his love. Im grateful that my relationship with my sister is improving as well. Moving out was rough on them, but overall it has been for the better because our relationships are improving.

Im grateful for the newfound waves of confidence that happen to wash over me. They used to be here when I was younger, but they had vanished for a good decade or so. Im grateful that I now have moments of optimism and hope and joy, breaking up the fog that I thought was permanent. Im grateful that I see so much light in my life through the gray.

Im grateful that I now look forward to the future. Im grateful that im not stuck in the past like years prior. Im grateful that im able to live in the present. Im grateful that my mind is able to be present.

Im grateful that my biggest problem is that I like a friend more than he likes me. Im grateful that im not trying to die. Im grateful that im not just being a zombie in life. Im grateful that I feel like I am actively living, and im getting better and better at it.

I just am. Im stupid. Im embarrassing.

Im trying so hard to be friends with someone that doesn’t want to be friends with me. I look like an actual clown.

For some reason, I just continue along the same path.

He just wants to be coworkers that are amicable, friendly. He’s not looking for friends. He has a family, he has friendships. He doesn’t need some stupid overtly emotional desperate loner in his life.

What do I bring to the table? Im not fun. Im rarely funny. I have a terrible sense of what is and isn’t socially acceptable. I feel so pathetic.

I am pathetic. I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I didn’t behave so pathetically. I wish I could befriend someone that wants to my friend just as much.

Also, if that is the case in my current situation, I would like to be made aware of it. Because as of now. I feel like a nuissance. I feel like I’m intrusive. I feel terrible about myself. And I wish I didn’t.

Its been a really long time because I’ve been single and then covid happened and I was not comfortable risking a covid infection for some potentially mediocre sex.

Well after months and months and months of me and my hand, I finally got to messaging an older man who said he was okay going as slow as I want to. He wasn’t pressuring me into meeting, we just chatted lightly and then I figured, okay let’s meet.

So I went to his home on Sunday around 11am. Very nice house, doesn’t live very far from my parents, he actually lives very close to them. I pulled into the property & he greeted me at the door and he’s taller than me. Immediately I got excited.

Im 6’2 so its not very common for me to find guys that are taller than me.

He hugged me and led me to his sofa in the living room. He was watching a hallmark holiday movie and he changed it to just music.

He asked what I was comfortable doing, if I was comfortable snuggling up on the couch, so I leaned in and we started kissing. He was so gentle and slow with it. Nothing like those men that are basically trying to eat your face. He was so good at it.

This week I started going into work one hour earlier than I previously was, which makes my start time 7am. We are towards the end of October and its dark by 630PM and the sun doesn’t come up until after 630am and I feel lost. Its currently 5:44 am and im about to step in the shower, but I had a flashback to my last shower. My previous shower was also in the early morning yesterday, but I didn’t know if it had been before bed or before work because everything is always dark when I’m home now.

Which maybe isn’t so bad, because now there is a clear distinction between work time and not work time. Work time is when the sun is up. Not work time is every other moment of the day. I used to work the night shift full time for 2 years and now I struggle to stay up past 8.

This season is going to be one where I try very hard. Im going to go out of my way to start kissing and fucking a guy im attracted to. I haven’t necessarily set my eyes on anyone in particular. (And the one that I’ve been toying the idea with is off limits and not actually one that im tryna bag, he’s just work fun, just for work nothing more im not trying to ruin existing relationships, purr.)

I, personally, would never try to chase someone that has explicitly said no to me. I dont understand why some people are so hell bent on it. It makes no sense.

I went to a guy’s house. I dont want to go into explicit detail about what it was that ultimately made me want to go into detail because I don’t need to dwell on the little things. Long story short, I’m with a guy, we make out, he wants to fuck, he wants to eat my hole, I say no. He keeps begging, pleading, I just want to make out and roll around, I don’t want to penetrate or be penetrated. I finally roll him off me and say I have to leave. He starts apologizing if it was what he said. I was like, lol no worries, I have to go. He’s just asking me if I’m serious. Im busy buttoning up my shirt and thinking about how I have to go back out to his living room and find wherever the fuck he threw my hat. And as I’m walking to the front door he comes out of the bedroom through the hall up to me. So I just lean into him give him a kiss and say bye. I walk to the front door, I turn around and as I’m about to close the door he said, “you know, funny thing about doors, sometimes when they close, they close for good.” I said “okay.” I closed his door turned around passed his plants and the hundreds of cigarette butts in an empty planter he uses as an ash tray? (Is it an ash tray if its the size of a large bowl and its filled with cigarette butts? Or is it just a cigarette trash bowl?) I walk down his front steps around his car and right before hopping into my truck I had to spit the taste out of my mouth. As I was driving away he sent me a message that said “you know blue balls are a real thing. That was really rude.” And I blocked the number and deleted the conversation.

I now have a new voice-mail from an unknown number and I really don’t want to check it, you know? If anyone ever was making out with me, and then said they had to leave. I would literally say, “if you want to go you can go.” And stop. Like I don’t understand wanting to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you. Its very confusing to me.

I think it has something to do with my fear of rejection. I’m so afraid of being rejected that I go for guys I know I’m not actually into. I go for guys that I know I’m a “catch” for. I dont like saying it but I definitely go for guys that are out of my league. Or I’m out of their league? I don’t know. I’m not the best looking guy on the planet. But I have had more than enough men women boys and girls tell me that I’m very good looking. So I go for guys that make me feel like they feel that they won a prize with me. I dont go for guys like me because they’re so used to getting what they want. Im terrified of being used, manipulated, gaslit. Good looking guys are the worst and the best and terrible and amazing.

I never string a guy along, which is probably why I never see a guy more than 2 times. I dont want to make him believe we could have a future. I dont want a guy to pay for things if I’m not genuinely into slurping on his meat. I genuinely enjoy giving head, but the last few times have all been horrendous for me, and its definitely related to the quality of meat I’ve been subjecting myself to.

I have to get high and forget about this. Bye.

Like I said the other day. I’m not one to complain. I’m not one to go to others and voice out my ‘problems’. I just want to say that last night I grabbed my speaker and went to my treadmill and just ran from midnight to 2 and by the end I was absolutely soaked in both sweat and also just condensation because it was 2am. I feel much better. I dont feel hopeless. I feel like I can be.

I feel extra lonely today. Why? I know why. I dont want to put it out in the world, but I know that I NEED to get it off my chest and shoulders and . I’m just whatever. There’s no point in complaining. Dont do that. Move on.

I had a dream, I dont remember much about it. I woke up at 5AM to my alarm feeling SO relieved because I felt very “attacked” in my dream.

What was my dream? I couldnt remember. I literally forgot everything the second I woke up, but right now as I type this it’s all coming back … mostly.

I remember just before waking up, I was inside of some large room sitting in chair that were lined against the wall. From the corner of my eye I saw my best friend from high school sitting in the chairs against the wall on the other side. I was sitting next to some guy, dont remember who, but at some point my old best friend came up to our chairs and he offered something to the guy to my left. He had like 2 things remaining of whatever he was handing out, and he walked past me without looking, and he gave the other thing to the person on the other side of me. This is where things get muddy, idk if I said something or what, but it came to the point where the guy on my right and my old best friend were explaining to me that I was a liar and an asshole and that’s why hes ignoring me. And I was truly confused but also accepted it? Which makes me wonder what that means?

I know that when he and I were friends in high school we were both lying about many things, but that’s just because we were young and insecure and afraid. I’m hoping that’s why I felt so accepting of it in my dream, because I have, for the last 6 years done my damn hardest to not lie. I dont like building relationships on lies, and most of my childhood relationships were built off lies, which is horrible. Lies on my behalf, not theirs. That’s why nowadays I truly am honest about everything. Sometimes it came off as mean, and I had to work on that and I’m no longer one of those “I’m not mean, I’m just honest” people.

I’m not a liar because I dont want to hurt myself or others, and I’m also not mean because I dont want to hurt myself or others. Pretty simple.